Fear of Failure. I'm STUCK!

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Lately I have been feeling stuck. I feel "incapacitated" to do anything. I feel disabled. Anya's disability has somehow been magnifying itself to me. The older she gets, the more I see how far behind she is. I feel helpless because I can't seem to help my daughter.

Aside from that, Toni has a terrible rash. I just found out it is skin asthma. And she has lost weight. She is still within the normal weight for age but she seemed stuck too. She lost, she gained, lost and then gained. I hope she will continue to gain and continue to amaze me with her milestones.

Why am I feeling stuck? I believe I am overwhelmed with the things that we have to do for for Anya.

Pablo Beelen says she will walk and run. I believe so too. The concern is her cognitive development. Behavioral concerns came up, but by repetition, she has accepted more things --- in her mouth -- we spent half a session trying to get her to bite a cookie. Other kids do it in a split second. Imagine the frustration I feel. Why can't I change that to something positive? When she finally took a bite, I felt relieved and glad. But then when we tried again, it was another several minutes before she could do it again. And with a lot of protest. What kid doesn't want a cookie? She did like the cookie but to get her to try it...

I should try and try and try... Sometimes I get tired. Lately I do get tired. I should be spending more time with my children at home, but I am on the computer researching and researching and listing things to do without actually getting to do them. That sucks. I'm kinda stuck. Why?

I'm afraid to fail. So I am afraid to try. Not trying is already a failure. I try and succeed. Then I try again and not succeed. So I have to try and try again. Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don't. It is tiring.

Anya has had several improvements in her development. I just have to focus on those. I just can't see them even if they are shining bright enough.

Dreaming the future

I had a dream.. or nightmare.. or a vision. I saw an older child sitting on what appeared to be a high chair similar to the one Anya has right now. She was a teenager. She was in pigtails and flapping her arms like Anya is doing now. She was also shaking her head the way Anya does now. She was obviously "mentally retarded."

Is that how Anya will be in the future? Is God giving me a glimpse of how it will be so I will be prepared? Or am I being warned that because of my attitude, I am hindering Anya from developing further.

Oh Lord, open my eyes so that I can see. Let me appreciate all that she is and all that she is now able to do. Take away any negative thoughts I have. Keep me positive so that I will not pull back Anya's potential. She can be so much more than what I can imagine her to be. Let me dream great dreams and have that expectant faith.

God's answer came in the form of a website: www.disabilityisnatural.com and I can't wait to read more articles from the site!